Monday, May 13, 2013

A Touch of Vertigo

Not really. I do have a wicked sinus infection but never had vertigo - but I hear it’s like a “the room is spinning” disoriented type feeling and that sounds about how life has felt these past six months. Nothing major is going on to induce these type of feelings. We are in a fairly predictable rhythmn, which looks fairly non-rhythmic to most folks I’m sure, but it works for us. Trying our hand at staying authentic and loving Jesus in the most daily of days, whatever that means. And it’s good. Crazy-making and nearly impossible at times, but we all know by now that that’s the really good stuff, anyways, right? Right. At least I think so. Moving on… So back to the vertigo. I am not generally someone whose wheels do a lot of spinning or who is constantly moving from one thing to another. Those people make me tired. A little bit jealous because they seem to accomplish so much with so little, but mostly they make me tired. So what I may lack in “get to gettin’” department I make up for in remaining somewhat even-keeled. At least I think I do and I think the people close to me would agree. One person in my whole life called me high strung once and I about hit the roof. Spirited, perhaps, but high-strung? Argh. I started to challenge her because I felt so gosh darn misunderstood but then I realized how self-absorbed that would be because it was doubtful that she had given much thought to the comment and honestly what skin is it off my back for someone to mis-label me? I mean, really. Clearly, I’m over it. I’m mentioning it in a blog post some 15 months later. Obviously, very, very over it. Oh, right, the vertigo. Your honor, I rest my case. The fact I cannot stay focused on one train of thought for more than a moment is proof of my vertigo-like state as of late. My thoughts just vanish like a fart in the wind. If I had one of those cool blogs that people read I would ask my readers to “name that movie quote” in the non-existent comment sections of this post and the first one to answer correctly would win a $500 gift card to Anthropologie (which would buy you 2.5 items). I don’t feel disoriented physically, mentally, or even emotionally. Well, let’s clarify that. I stay at home with a 3 and 1 year old in a town with no Target or Starbucks and my husband is in full-time ministry - so I’m semi-disoriented on a daily basis in a par for the course sort of way. But really and truly I’ve traced the symptoms right on back to where most symptoms always begin - my soul. Wah, wah. Hope that wasn’t too anti-climactic for you, not much I can do about that, because it’s true. It’s true in an inescapable, doesn’t it always come back to this, fundamental tenants of life kind of way. How I am doing as I walk with Christ will always be the center-point of any other kind of “how are you doing.” So here’s where we stand. I am very sure He loves me. Like adores me loves me. I find Him to be incredibly steady right now in the way a parent stands their ground with a patient smile while their child lollygags or throws a fit or does something else that just requires the parent to wait it out. I think He is waiting me out. What I’m doing is totally up for debate. I’m sporadic in my time in the Word. I pray but feel very unsure whether He and I are jiving in that arena. The only time I feel in step with Him is when I either sit and be real with Him, in a broken converation but with a very familiar tone kind of way, or when I’m thanking Him. That’s it. That’s all I got. Past that nothing else feels firm or clear. And as I sit here and type that I feel no sense of alarm. Which I’m going to interpret as GRACE. He is with me. He is for me. Maybe I just need to let that be. And let it be enough. I will say I’m not terribly crazy about how this is affecting the rest of my life (because the hub of the wheel always affects the spokes you know) and it is. I feel sporadic in my friendships, like I’m missing the mark, being unattentive, checked out, something. I feel sporadic in ministry in all the aforementioned ways - missed opportunities left and right. I feel a little off kilter in my mothering but the dailyness of it sort of keeps me from going too off track there. There’s grace in that too, isn’t there. He has made me a mother and their demands never stop. Their soft, plump hands are always begging something and it’s this constant needing that keeps me tuned into them, that keep my heart permanently raw for those two perfect creatures. She, with her ringlet curls and profound ways and sweetness that will make her ever-prone to heartbreak, but in that, Jesus, give her quiet strength and a heart that breaks for all things worthy of pain. And him, with his persistent and adventurous spirit that is only broken by a stern word from me, his one true love - he who initiates more cuddling than anyone in this house and who lives to make your laugh, Jesus let Him find His worth and true adventure in knowing You. So I’m hoping there’s grace in all these areas too. Grace from the people who surely aren’t getting much from me these days but who will stay the course with me until the room stops spinning. I hope. So as I would expect of this sort of disoriented, vertigo-esque feeling, there’s no real succint way to wrap this up. I’m not sure when it will end or how. If I try think of that I make it worse. I’m only confident of very simple thoughts right now. Thoughts like KEEP WALKING. And GRACE IN ALL THINGS. And JESUS LOVES ME STEADILY. And ERIC AND HARPER AND BAKER AND LET GO OF THE REST. And MERCIES NEW. Oh, and writing grounds me. When I’m out of sorts, writing puts me back in sorts. Sort of. And it did. So let’s leave it at that ☺ By the by, I deeply resisted the urge to start this blog post with all the boring reasons why I’ve not posted in over a year and man do I need to change the picture in the header, and yada yada yada. But I cannot resist the urge to at least mention it in the end of the post. So there ☺