it's funny what motherhood does to you. on so many levels. how it stretches you physically (stretch being the predominant word), and wrecks you emotionally (in the best way). but now that i am well out of the fog of the first few months i am becoming more aware of what it does to me spiritually. yes, i see jesus in a thousand more ways because of her. i know better what it is to sacrifice - that to give yourself to someone else that fully really is a glad surrender. but it also strains me. my time with her and my time alone and my time with the Lord and my time trying to snag a nap or the chance to use the bathroom in peace all kind of bleed together. i vow to do better, to be more consistent. but i struggle. i justify. and then i wake up and do it all over again. and then my prayers become very circular and very raw and sound a lot like "Lord, help me to even look in your direction and even think about walking towards you today because i am tired and i lost my bearings last week sometime."
and help He did. in a hundred ways i'm sure, but two ways i am keenly aware of are the the latest Narnia movie (i simply cannot say enough) and rediscovering the enter the worship circle cd's. i love words - a well written word, a beautifully sung word, an aptly spoken word, word to your mother. all of it. and this movie and these songs are among the best. these words are breathing something sweet back into my soul. for real.
so i'm thankful tonight for harper, my sweet little shepherdess, whose presence unknowingly leads me into a place of both spiritual clarity and confusion that, tonight, has found a slight bit of reconciliation. my soul is stirring just a little more. i am grateful for that. i am hesitant to even say those words for fear that it all may vanish and my hopes for more with jesus will not materialize. but i know better than that. no need to knock on wood. besides, the only thing within arm's reach is a snoring hound dog and i dare not rub the belly of that grumpy gus.
so with the small chance that you too may be a lover of words (which don't you kind of have to be if you are still reading this waaaayyy toooo wordy of a post. Lawd! i have get to get a handle on this), here is a small sampling of waterdeep from enter the worship circle and below that some of the very best of c.s. lewis. I know it would be way better if i could like post a video with the song and have something more cool to look at but i am not that blog savvy (yet). but bear with me! i'll make sure they get more visually appealing as i go.
"faithful you are faithful - i have found nothing but good in your heart. loving, you are loving - i am in love with the way that you are. thankful, i am thankful - i had been running away on my own. and then you found me. oh, how you loved me. i know you'll never leave me alone."
faithful, enter the worship circle
Eustace, when referring to Aslan removing his scales, something he simply could not do on his own, says "The the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
The very first tear he made was do deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."